Teen friendships are rarely simple, but groups of three present a unique set of challenges. While pop culture often romanticizes trios – think Harry, Ron, and Hermione – real-life dynamics can be fraught with exclusion and shifting alliances. Experts say the key to managing these relationships lies in understanding how they differ from one-on-one bonds, and in setting realistic expectations.
The Illusion of Balance
The appeal of a three-person friend group is clear: it’s small enough for intimacy but large enough to avoid awkwardness. However, this structure inherently creates imbalances. As relationship researcher Mariana Bockarova of the University of Toronto explains, the addition of a third person introduces layers of complexity. Instead of a single relationship, there are now multiple: individual connections with each friend, the group dynamic as a whole, and the unspoken bond between the other two.
This last relationship is especially significant. The potential for two friends to bond over shared activities or personal struggles—and document it on social media—can easily leave the third feeling excluded. This triggers social comparison, a natural human tendency that amplifies feelings of isolation.
Reciprocity and the Unspoken Rules
Our understanding of friendships is rooted in reciprocity: the give-and-take that defines a healthy connection. In a pair, measuring this balance is straightforward. But with three, it becomes far more ambiguous. As friendship advice columnist Nina Badzin points out, “You cannot dictate equal closeness among everyone.” Two friends will inevitably spend more time together, text more frequently, or simply have more in common—and that’s normal. The challenge lies in accepting this reality, rather than treating it as a betrayal.
Communicating Needs, Managing Expectations
The most effective way to navigate these dynamics is through open communication. Teens who feel left out should express their concerns non-accusatorily, making their needs clear without blaming their friends. Bockarova calls this “relational repair.” If the group responds defensively, it may be time to recalibrate expectations or even distance oneself from the friendship.
How Parents Can Help
Parents play a crucial role in helping teens understand these complexities. First, normalize feelings of exclusion: it’s okay if friends sometimes enjoy one-on-one time. Second, help teens identify the root cause of any perceived rift. Are the other two friends sharing a hobby? Going through a similar hardship? Or simply drifting apart?
Finally, emphasize that navigating these dynamics builds valuable problem-solving skills. A healthy trio requires maturity and acceptance that not everything will always be done as a group. Learning to manage these expectations is a skill that will serve teens well throughout their lives.
“A trio can work with maturity—and acceptance that you don’t always have to do everything as a group.” – Nina Badzin
